Feb 2, 2024 – Hannibal and Rebecca

 Feb 02, 2024 12:01:06am

Rebecca Butler

like my aunt once asked me why I became a Vet (animals) instead of a nurse....because when a dog or a cat bites me, I know why. When a person is mean, it's for another reason entirely sometimes. I prefer knowing to not knowing, if that makes any sense at all and Nature is more relaxing to me as well than a place with crowds. *shivers*

forgive me, it is <late> here and my insomnia is finally wearing off. I must try and sleep for a bit, but I hope to see you again soon! Feel better and speak soon! :D ♥

 

2:05:45am

Hans Lector

I wish you sweet dreams. I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ignoring your words, for they've prompted a winding road of thoughts within me.

The way you introduce yourself to strangers shows them at a glance who you are. The words from your mouth, the way you dress, how you carry yourself. Each of these makes a statement that adds up to a whole impression.

There are not many here who know my real name. When I approach or am approached by another person, I have the opportunity to speak to them. Do I want them to be able to hear Mads Mikkelsen's voice when they read my words? To maintain the illusion that they are talking to Hannibal, posing as a regular person, posing as Hannibal? Or do I want to break the illusion and talk to them with the accent of my peers? Do I want to show them my best self and feel pressured to maintain that image? My worst self and gain a reputation as someone who is unpleasant? Or should I strike a balance and be myself, but more elevated? I believe, and perhaps you will once again agree, that the roles we play offer an opportunity for growth. We are ourselves, but an elevated version that allows us to choose what others see, and in so doing perhaps we can begin to live up to that image if we choose.

I find being in nature cleansing. Being around others, one needs a break from societal expectations to just be who he, or she of course, is. The right place can offer a retreat where we can once again remember who we are.

Though who we are is often molded by the company we keep. My friends are among my greatest treasures and pieces of them have made me who I am today. You credit me with kindness; you are speaking of the friends who taught me to be understanding. You see me as easy to talk to; you are speaking of the friends who taught me how to listen. I find that when I speak of darkness and light, I am speaking of the people who created circumstances which brought out the dark side of my human nature, and the people who created circumstances to encourage healing.

Your friends 'kidnapping' you shows that they cherish your company and want to share in their life experiences with you.

Yes, other animals are direct in a way that many humans are taught not to be.

When a person is rude to me, it's not always clear why on first sight, but to a mind as curious as mine, it can be like a puzzle. Did he seem harried that day, was he feeling rushed or impatient? Had she had a disagreement with her husband or coworkers? Is it a child who's being bullied at home or was never taught good manners to begin with? Most importantly, is it I who have said or done something to offend them? Sometimes I can sit with my mind and puzzle at these things. At other times, all I can do is accept that they were unhappy with me, move on with my day, and plan to make reparations if it was I who first offended them.

Sometimes, knowing is as simple as asking. "You seem cross with me. Please tell me what's wrong so we can work together to make it right." As sophisticated as humans fancy themselves, they, as any animal, need compassion, need us to take time out of our day to understand where they are coming from.

 

4:27:10am

Rebecca

Thank you, I managed to get a few hours sleep before my mind decided to kick back on. I don't really sleep much anyway. lol I hope you were able to find some rest as well and feel better today a bit.

The way I introduce myself depends on many variables for me. Place, time, and mood being the main ones. How I introduce myself at a club (which gods, I haven't been out to one in almost two years lol) is vastly different to how I introduce myself in say, a more formal setting. clubs I tend to be more goofy. More relaxed.

I am very honored to know your real name, and that means a lot to me for you sharing such with me. I am who I am, though online as in real life. I am genuinely this ridiculous and sarcastic and funny and caring in real life, it's just easier for me, at times, to talk to people here sometimes. I have met quite a few of my friends online in real life though and that has been a blast. Spending time with people of like mind is a fun past time, and even more so when the feelings and affections you forge through here turn out to be the same in person as well. I have three friends on here who I think of as my family and we meet up whenever we are in town with each other. I have sisters now that I haven't before and that's the best feeling. My friends who 'kidnap' me do so cause they know my anxiety and ptsd sometimes keeps me from going out, but once I'm out, I'm good. I love them too even if they are older and constantly joke and rip on me sometimes cause I give it right back. lol Military friends is different sometimes. There's that bond there even before you really know them because of the fact that you both served. It's a respect thing, I guess.

Plus, it's not always so easy for me to make new friends in person because most my friends who I have made, being in the military, are dead. Being a war vet isn't exactly easy once you get out and realize, 'oh crap! my way of thinking is so vastly different than that of people my own age who weren't in.' It ages you in a way and then you either seek others of like mind or withdraw. Thankfully, I haven't withdrawn completely as I do try and engage whenever I do go out (with a toddler now though, that's rare. lol) and I do agree, the roles we play do offer an opportunity for growth because I am always learning. About myself, about others, about the world around me. Once I stop, what's that point? Life is learning. One's cup is never full and I like that I can learn something new every day, even if it's something small.

Though when someone is rude or cross with me, because the way my mind is wired, my first thoughts go 'is it something I did? What did I do wrong?' and I have been working to break that habit. Falls back in the category we discussed earlier for me of 'Am I to much? Do I overdo things? Should I? Shouldn't I?' and then I spiral if I think to much about it or just 'shut off' and ignore it. Which is worse. Therapy has helped and I am not a complete 'mess' as I used to be about ten years ago, but it's still there.

Don't give me wrong, I have no problems asking 'are you ok?' if someone seems snappy or upset, at me or otherwise. Cause I am compassionate and forgiving and I do genuinely care. or else I wouldn't ask.

We have known each other for going on two months now almost...wow....and this is the most I have opened up ever in such a short span. I like that I can talk to you. There's just something about you that I like, and I am very glad we have met. :D ♥

|| She meant “weeks”.

/end 4:44:45am